Roger Clemens turns off the TV.


"Goddam Keith Olbermann. What does he know? SportsCenter fired him years ago. He wears glasses for God's sake."

The Rocket goes to his kitchen and microwaves two burritos. Extra chipotle, which Rocket pronounces (chi-POT-el) because he's not Mexican, dammit.

He bites into the first one and says, "They're just going after me because they're jealous." Little chunks of burrito are jettisoned from his mouth. "They're just a bunch of pansies. How many Cy Youngs do they have? Not too many I bet!"

Rocket, still eating, looks out the window at the gardner. He thinks to himself, "Bet I can throw harder than him....Whatever. Woman." He yells, "Hey boys, get down here. Koby, Kory, Kasey, Kody, now!" Rocket's sons' names all begin with a K because he's a moron.

Staring at his sons, Rocket says, "You boys don't believe any of that junk they're saying about Daddy on the tv, do you?"

Kasey says, "Of course not, Daddy. They're just jealous of your 3.12 career ERA.... And they're just a bunch of UN-loving liberals.

"Very good son," Rocket says. "That brings up an excellent question. When the UN kicks down our door, what do you do?"

Blank stares.

"You run to the trophy case, put a Cy Young under each arm, and go to the panic room!! Damnit boys! I don't know how many times I have to tell you! The order of rescue in this family is: Daddy's trophies, the Bible, Mom and then anything else that belongs to Daddy. Understand? Good. Now go to bed. I need you all to re-paint the #21 on the driveway and roof tomorrow. That bastard the Sun keeps fading it."

Rocket, now alone, turns the TV back on. He's on CNN, FoxNews, ESPN and oddly, ABC Family. He takes another bite of burrito. "I think they stiffed me on meat. Damn kid. I KNOW he was jealous. Bet he's also a communist."

Roger Clemens doesn't use FindSportsNow....

FindSportsNow - Not loved by perjuring juiceballs.