The Olympics suck. It's the most overhyped thing on earth since Y2K and the Arch Deluxe. But unlike the spunky computer glitch and semi-delicious sandwich, the Olympics keeps coming back. It's like an international, well-financed version of herpes that leaves your genitals with a giant, un-working torch and an empty aquatic center. Being the helpful website that we are, FindSportsNow would like to point out the worst of the worst of the Olympic "movement".


1. Sponsorship
These have gotten so absurd, that a festival celebrating athletic competition has Coca Cola and Budweiser as official beverages and McDonald's as the official restaurant. McDonald's!!!! The unhealthiest place on earth is representing the BEST ATHLETES IN THE WORLD!!!! That's like ExxonMobil being the official sponsor of Yellowstone National Park. Since the golden arches have seemingly opened the flood gates for nonsenical sponsorship, we'd like to suggest a few others:

Parliament Light - The Official Cigarette of the Olympic Games
Olde English - The Offical Malt Beverage of the Olympic Games
Firefox - The Official Web Browser of the Olympic Games
Segway - The Official Electric Personal Assistive Mobility Device of the Olympic Games

2. Lack Of Relevance
Without any Nazis or Commies to wave our gold medal-winning asses at, is there really any reason to show up? Maybe if Al Qaeda got a team together. We would kick the CRAP outta them in track and field. They might win equestrian.

3. Feel-Good Stories
Call us cold, but we don't really give a damn about a Korean gymnast's childhood struggle with an overbite, or a Latvian archer with only eight toes.

4. COSTAS!!!

Ian Curtis dies. Dale Earnhardt dies. Costas keeps living. Further proof that God/Allah/Jehova/Buddha/Ganesh/Eddie Vedder hate us all. We're growing more and more confident that the end of the world will be inhabited by Dick Cheney, Bill Engvall and Costas.

5. Tape Delays
NBC is so convinced that the American viewing public wants their Olympic coverage to be like an episode of Gilmore Girls, they record events and hold them until the next day's prime time slot.

"Hey NBC, it's your friend, FindSportsNow. Thanks for The Office, btw. Anyways, there's this crazy crazy thing called the internet that we think you should check out. Al Gore invented it back in 1994. You remember Al Gore, right? He was that guy who was president for like 25 minutes, but then he wasn't president, and now he hangs out with Bono and dresses like Johnny Cash. Well this internet thing allows people to get news and information as it's happening. It's crazy. This being the case, we don't really need you to decide when we can know who won the 58-68kg men's Taekwondo finals. Thanks though. But seriously, check out the internet. There's porn. Lots and lots of porn.

FindSportsNow - Gold. Silver. Bronze??