Right now, Jamie Lynn Spears is laying on her mother's couch in Louisiana, watching season 2 of "Gray's," eating Tasty Delight and trying to figure out why Miley Cyrus' phone goes straight to voicemail. She woke up at noon today, two hours earlier than yesterday, and is a little sore from trying to sleep on her back all night, because, "Momma says sleeping on your belly makes the baby come out dumb."


She stands up, stretches and walks to the kitchen. She walks down the little hallway, not the big one, because the big one has all the mirrors that make her look fat. She gets to the kitchen and opens the fridge. She grabs some milk and pours her fourth bowl of Cap'n Crunch. She doesn't eat Crunch Berries anymore because, "Momma says babies don't like Crunch Berries."

She walks back to the couch and sits down. She presses play on the DVD. "Meredith is a whore," she thinks. Two episodes later, she's off the couch and in front of the computer. She's annoyed because her MySpace page isn't getting hits anymore and the Zoey 101 soundtrack isn't selling well. She turns the computer off because, "Momma says when a computer is rude, you need to remind it of who's in charge."

In need of some positive reinforcement, she calls her best friends Shellbee and Khyler, and tells them to come over. They watch a Hills marathon while doing bong rips out of a bong that Jamie Lynn stole from Ashley Tisdale. "Momma says its won't hurt the baby if all you do is clear it."

Around 2am, they get in Jamie Lynn's car and drive to the Taco Bell/KFC. Jamie Lynn orders three chalupas, but no gorditas, because she doesn't want to be a fatty. Realizing she doesn't have any money, she offers to flash the drive-thru kid in exchange for the food. He agrees, so long as he can take pictures with his camera phone.

The next morning, Jamie Lynn wakes up and goes to TMZ.com. On the front page are pics of a topless Jamie Lynn, performing fellatio on a Shellbee's burrito supreme. Shocked, she yells, "Momma! Go to TMZ.com and tell me if I look fat!"

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Six months ago, Jamie Lynn was looking for a beach volleyball league to join. She searched the internet for hours and couldn't find anything. Instead she had wild, unprotected sex with the guy who folds the graphic tees at Abercrombie.

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