A young couple sits in front of the TV watching the Nirvana Unplugged DVD and arguing over how much Pat Smear earns from residuals. "He's def not getting anything from Nirvana. This was the only record he was on!" the guys says. "Wait. This, and that Muddy Banks live album. You can barely even hear him on that one. And with Foo Fighters he was only on the second album. The SECOND album. That whole album is nothing but bass drum. James van der Beek is the only one who owns that album. I think their drummer who looks like a chick doesn't even own that album."


Outraged, the girl says, "Are you nuts? Just ignore the Foo Fighters stuff and go back to "Unplugged". Do you know how many people have that goddam album?? My parents have that album. My deaf neighbor had that album." She pauses. "Now that you mention it, I think you're the only person I know who doesn't have it. Seriously. How do you not have it? You managed to buy TWO Spin Doctors albums, but you don't own "Unplugged"! Why am I even arguing with the one guy in the eastern time zone that prefers the Spin Doctors to Nirvana?"

The guy gets quiet. A minute passes. Under his breath he says, "Sounds like someone's in love with Pat Smear." "What? I can't hear you." the girl says. "Are you singing Two Princes to yourself? Can you sing it louder? I haven't heard that one in a while because it sucks."

They turn off the DVD, and start watching TV. Nick GAS. GUTS is starting. The girl says, "Mike O'Malley IS Nickelodeon. He made this network what it is. It was all slime and pre-Coulier Alanis before he came along. He's like a jersey-clad Elvis Costello." The guy turns and says, "I'm sorry. I stopped listening once you went crazy. It sounded like you were saying Mike O'Malley is the best host in Nickelodeon history." "You heard me," the girl says. "So I guess you were busy this morning?" the guy asks. The girl gives him a puzzled look. He says, "You know, because you found a DeLorean, bought a flux capacitor on eBay, went back to 1986, killed Marc Somers as he was about to film the Double Dare pilot, then came back and started hyping Mike O'Malley." The girl rolls her eyes. The guy continues, "Mike O'Malley wasn't even the best part of "Yes, Dear". Have you ever seen that show?? Its bad. Seriously. I'm not trying to sound cool or snobby. That show is bad."


They change the channel. AMC. Raiders of the Lost Ark. They watch the scene where Indy fights the bald guy by the plane. "Bare knuckle boxing," the guy says. "That solves every dispute." "No," the girl says. "Propellors solve disputes. Bare knuckle boxing just helps things along." "Propellors don't solve anything," the guy says. "Indy had that guy. He was about to Temple of Doom his ass! The propellor just helped out. Its the same as a friend crouching while you push someone down."

The boxing argument went on until the couple was tired of metaphors. With nowhere else to turn, the girl did what millions of

others have done, and went to FindSportsNow.com. She found a bare knuckle boxing gym where she and the guy could finally settle this, and every other argument. Six months later, they've never been happier.

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