Kobe pulls into the garage, gets out of his Lexus. It's red with black interior, and has a has a vanity tag reading KBLUV23. He goes into the house, then up to the bedroom. His wife is sleeping. He thinks to himself, "What do they expect? How am I supposed to win with Odom dragging ass all the time? I can't score 80 every night! Well, actually, I can. But that's not the point. They've gotta give me some winners. Garnett wins with Pierce and Allen, and everyone thinks he's amazing. Try winning with Ronny bleepin' Turiaf. He's French! And not even Tony Parker French. He's like, Gerard Depardieu French. My team would score 200 a night with Pierce and Allen. Probably 250. Minimum."


He takes off his suit and throws on his blue UNC Michael Jordan jersey. He goes to the kitchen and pours a glass of Citrus Cooler Gatorade, Mike's favorite flavor. He turns on the TV. Fox Sports is showing a replay of Kevin Garnett hugging the trophy. Kobe changes the channel. CNN is showing an interview of Paul Pierce, thanking Jesus and Kevin McHale. Kobe changes the channel again. QVC is selling Celtics World Championship t-shirts. Larry Bird is on ESPN, talking about his Celtics dynasty.

"Larry Bird. I would own his ass. How many 40+ point games does he have. I KNOW I have more. Look at those little shorts. Pathetic. He can't touch my game. They wouldn't be talking about Larry Bird if Jerry Buss would put down the scotch for two seconds and get me some players! Real players. Luke Walton doesn't count. You can't play on Kobe's court if you share DNA with Bill Walton. Period."


Kobe turns the TV off and puts on his favorite movie, Space Jam.

He walks to the corner of the room and sits down on the floor, facing a small glass case. The case is where Kobe keeps the towel MJ draped on his head, when he was sick during Game 5 against the Jazz. The case is pressurized, so Kobe can ensure the virus that led to MJ's 38-7-5 stays viable and potent. Kobe has a team of scientists working around the clock, trying to synthesize the virus for possible performance enhancing effects.

"That fat SOB, Shaq had Dwayne Wade. Who do I got, Sasha Vujacic? I ain't seen him in too many T-Mobile commercials," he says, still staring at the towel. "I can win without him, Mike! Bynum's a million times better. He listens. I tell him to post, and he posts. I tell him to get me some Vitamin Water. He gets me my goddam Vitamin Water!

Kobe goes back to the couch. He lays down, hugging his Benny the Bull pillow.

FindSportsNow - Hell, we'll share a court with Luke Walton