Yes. Michael Phelps is great. He's the best thing to happen to humanity since Jesus and slap bracelets. If Barack Obama and a dolphin had a baby, then that baby grew up and had a baby with Robert Downey Jr, it'd be Michael Phelps. He should have his own Crayola color (it'd be gold-ish) and a state named in his honor (Phelpsiana, or Phelpsington, or Phelpsahoma). He's the physical manifestation of the fight between Indiana Jones and the bald, shirtless Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark. He should be awoken every morning by Scarlett Jo and 1999 Brittany Spears, naked, holding a bowl of Cap'n Crunch and season 2 of The Office.


Buuuuuuuuut, he does have some shortcomings. For example:

1. He's from Baltimore.
Besides Baghdad, Kabul and the Death Star, Baltimore is like the most dangerous place ever. We heard Cal Ripken got robbed in Baltimore. Cal f'n Ripken!


2. He went to the University of Michigan.
They haven't produced a great athlete since Gerald Ford. How'd you like that, Tom Brady??

3. He had a handle bar mustache.
We actually think this one's pretty cool, but overheard some girls on the train saying it was ugly. One of the girls was pretty cute, so screw you, mustache!!

4. He refers to Lil Wayne as "Weezy."
Come on, Mike. You're a swimmer. No one's ever going to confuse you with someone from da streetz.

5. Umm....He smells like chlorine.
Probably.

6. He.... ....HATES PUPPIES!!....we think....
Who are we kidding. He's amazing. He's like the day that Eggo Mini's came out, only better. He's like a fast swimming version of Google. He's like Sandblast/Singled Out-era MTV, but with a 67" wingspan and no Kennedy.

We salute you, you amazing SOB.

FindSportsNow - Jealous. So very jealous.