Stay retired Brett Favre, stay retired. You are a punk, and we were happy to see you go. We hate your accent. We hate the way you spell your last name. We hate that you were in There's Something About Mary. We hate that you hold all those passing records without even being that good. You surpassed Dan Marino by being a freak that never got injured. You're not a Hall of Famer, you're the guy that fixes machines at the bowling alley. You're the guy who gives us soft serve at Dairy Queen. You're the bartender who was really really cool in high school, but is now 39 and still wearing a denim jacket. You're a selfish, miserable SOB, and we want to fight you in front of your family. You hate the world and everyone in it, as evidenced by your desire to return to the NFL. You want back in, because you had to suffer through half an off-season without people worshiping your Wrangler jean-wearing ass every second of the day. You can't stand that people aren't naming their children Brett and they're not tattooing the number "4" on their biceps anymore. You're mad because off the field, you're just another retired athlete waiting for ESPN to call. You're Phil Simms. You're Ron Jaworski. Stop with the Greta Van Susteren interviews. Stop using the word "untruth." Go back to Mississippi and disappear forever.


If not, consider us Ray Finkel. We'll get a sex change, kidnap a dolphin and head straight to your house.

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