Roger Goodell and his plaything, the NFL, announced yesterday it would be cracking down on players issuing gang signs and other questionable gestures while on the field of play. After some exhaustive questioning, intensive spying and slight murder, FindSportsNow was able to obtain an excerpt of an internal document outlying future league crackdowns.


"As of January 1, 2009 the NFL will penalize all players and personnel for undertaking or participating in:

-running too fast, as to taunt slower players
-tackling above, below the waist or at the waist
-wearing any vibrant or bold colors
-taking off one's helmet before, during or after a game
-drinking of liquids in a manner that may simulate the drinking of alcoholic beverages
-smiling or showing of any teeth
-the issuance of high fives, fist bumps and/or chest bumps
-passing the football too far, as to hurt the feelings of weaker-armed quarterbacks
-the shotgun formation, due to its violent overtones
-the throwing of a "hail mary" pass, due to its religious overtones
-owning a car or vehicle with any non-factory modifications
-kissing, hand holding, hugging or sexual intercourse while out of wedlock
-listening to music of an urban nature
-associating with known rap artists or NBA players

Violation of any of the above, will result in immediate disciplinary action. Any/all disciplinary action will be decided at the discretion of the Commissioner and a tribunal of un-named league officials."

We for one, commend Commissioner Goodell for finally standing up to the evil that has for so long, attempted to ruin his league.

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